Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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