I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
