Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
