I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize