Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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