my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
