First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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