Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
