Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
