I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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