I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I love having hate sex.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
