How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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