Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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