My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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