Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Someone came in the potted fern
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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