I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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