i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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