there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
