haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
