he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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