When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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