just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Green mimosas i think yes
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
