You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
