Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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