she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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