She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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