i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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