pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You're a waste of cheezeits
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
