my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
