I wish I could teleport
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize