Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
