I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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