Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
