I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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