I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
