Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
