you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
