I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
