I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
