dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
