im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
