i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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