got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize