somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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