Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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