What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
