i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
