Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
