remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
