my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
