Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
