from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
