Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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