I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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