farters have to be the big spoon...
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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