Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
