Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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